



S 0ME y?fit's ago President Gompers gave in- 
structions that upon his death the collection 
of books in his office in the American Federation 
oj Labor Building , some purchased by himself , 
others presented to him, should be presented to the 
American Federation oj Labor Library. This 
volume is one of 400 comprising that collection. 



AMERICAN 

FEDERATION OF LABOR 

JUL 17 1325 

LIBRARY 














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An Experiment in 
Gyro-Hats 

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By ELLIS PARKER BUTLER 

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Author of “Pigs is Pigs,” etc. 

Illustrations by ALBERT LEVERING 

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* An Experiment in Gyro-Hats 


By Ellis Parker Butler 


Author of "Pigs is Pigs,” etc. 
Illustrations by Albert Levering 



HE idea of a gyro-hat did not come to me all at once, 


A as some great ideas come to inventors; and in fact I 
may say that but for a most unpleasant circumstance 
I might never have thought of gyro-hats at all, although 
I had for many years been considering the possibility 
of utilizing the waste space in the top of silk hats in 
some way or other. As a practical hat dealer and 
lover of my kind, it had always seemed to me a great 
economical waste to have a large vacant space inside 
the upper portion of top hats, or high hats, or “stove¬ 
pipe” hats, as they are variously called. When a shoe 
is on, it is full of foot, and when a glove is on, it is full 
of hand; but a top hat is not, and never can be, full of 
head, until such a day as heads assume a cylindrical 
shape, perfectly flat on top. And no sensible man ever 
expects that day to come. 

I had, therefore, spent much of my leisure in devising 
methods by which the vacant space above the head in 
high hats might be turned to advantage, and my 
patents ranged all the way from a small filing cabinet 
that just occupied the waste space, to an extensible 
hat rack on the accordion plan that could be pushed 


4 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


compactly into the top of the top hat when the hat 
was worn, but could be extended into a hat and coat 
rack when the hat was not in use. This device should 
have been very popular, but I may say that the public 
received the idea coldly. 

My attention had been for some time drawn away 
from this philanthropic work by certain symptoms of 
uneasiness I noticed in my daughter Anne, and my 
wife and I decided after careful consideration that 
Anne must be in love, and that her love must be 
unhappy. Otherwise we could not account for the 
strange excitability of our usually imperturbable 
daughter. As a practical hat dealer my time has been 
almost exclusively devoted to hats and, as a good wife, 
my companion’s attention has been almost exclusively 
devoted to her husband, while Anne was usually so 
calm and self-contained that she did not take my atten¬ 
tion from my hat business at all. But when such a 
daughter suddenly develops signs of weeping and sighs 
and general nervousness, any father, no matter how 
devoted to the hat trade, must pay attention. 

One of the primary necessities of a dealer in good 
hats is calm. An ordinary hat dealer may not need 
calm. He may buy his hats as another dealer buys flour, 
in the bulk, and then trust to advertisements to sell 
them; but I am not that kind of hat dealer. Hat deal¬ 
ing is an art with me, and great art requires calm and 
peace in order that it may reach its highest development. 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


When I buy hats I do not think of dozens and dollars. 
No, indeed; I think of noses and ears. To be able to 
buy of a manufacturer a hat that will make the pug 
nose and big ears of a man I have never seen seem 
normal and beautiful when that man enters my store 
and buys a hat, requires calm. And no hatter can have 
calm in his soul while his daughter is love sick and 
unhappy. I demand happiness about and around me, 
and I must have it. So I told my wife, and I told her 
so most emphatically, and I informed her that Anne 
must become happy at once. 

Perhaps you can imagine the shock I received when 
my wife, after making the necessary inquiries of Anne, 
informed me that Anne was indeed in love, and in love 
with Walsingham Gribbs. It was not because W r al- 
singham Gribbs had never bought a hat of me that I 
was shocked. Bad hats are a common failing of man¬ 
kind, and a man will try a hundred hatters before he 
at last comes to me. 

The trouble was deeper than this. The thing that 
staggered me was that Walsingham was a staggerer. 
(This is a joke, but I hold that a hatter has as good a 
right to make a joke as the next man.) 

That my daughter had fallen in love with Walsing¬ 
ham Gribbs without having met him was altogether to 
her credit. She first saw him when she was crossing the 
ocean (for she travels where she pleases, my hat busi¬ 
ness affording her such pleasures) and that he reeled 


6 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


and staggered about the boat did not impress her, for 
it was a stormy trip and everyone aboard reeled and 
staggered, even the captain of the boat. But when she 
returned to New York and saw Walsingham Gribbs 
on the firm pavement of Fifth Avenue, she had a harsh, 
cruel disillusionment. Walsingham Gribbs reeled and 
staggered on terra firma. 

I am glad to say that my daughter saw at once the 
impossibility of the daughter of a high-class hatter 
mating with a permanent staggerer. As she realized 
this, she became sad and nervous, thus creating an 
atmosphere in my home that was quite opposed to 
the best high-class hatting, irritating my faculties and 
threatening to reduce me to the state of a mere commer¬ 
cial hatter. 

Further investigation only made the matter seem 
worse, for quiet inquiries brought out the information 
that Walsingham Gribbs had been staggering since the 
year his father died. He had been constantly in a 
reeling, staggering state since his twentieth birthday. 
For such a man reform is, indeed, impossible. And 
what made the case more sad was that all proof seemed 
to point to the fact that Walsingham Gribbs was not a 
“bounder’’ nor a “rounder,” two classes of men who 
occasionally acquire a stagger and a reel in company 
with hearty boon companions. 

In short, no one had ever seen Walsingham Gribbs 
take a drink in public, and I was forced to conclude 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


7 


that he was of that horrid type that drinks alone— 
“Alone but with unabated zeal” as that great poet, 
Sir Walter-Scott, has remarked in one of his charming 
poems. 

If all these investigations of mine were conducted 
without the knowledge of Walsingham Gribbs, you must 
admit I did only what was right in keeping them secret 
from him; for since he had never met my daughter he 
might have considered the efforts of a perfect stranger 
to peer into his life as being uncalled for. My wife did 
what she could to comfort Anne, but Anne sadly replied 
that she could never marry a man that staggered and 
reeled day in and day out. Thus day by day she became 
more sad, and I became so upset that I actually sold 
a narrow-brimmed derby hat to a man with wide, 
outstanding ears. 

Of course this could not go on. No high-grade hat 
business could support it, and I was standing in my 
shop door looking gloomily out when I chanced to see 
Walsingham Gribbs stagger by. I had seen him many 
times, but now, for the first time I noticed what I 
should have noticed before—that he invariably wore a 
high hat, or “topper,” as our customers like to call them. 

I observed that the shape was awful, and that the hat 
badly needed the iron, and then my mind recurred to 
the old problem of the vacant space in the top of top 
hats; but I found I could not concentrate. Whenever 
I tried to think of top hats I thought of Walsingham 


8 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


Gribbs in one of them, staggering and reeling up the 
street, and gradually the thought came that it would be 
an excellent idea should I be able so to use the space 
in the top of Walsingham’s hat that he would no longer 
stagger and reel, and then the thought of the gyroscope 
hat came to me. 

I admit that at first I put the idea aside as futile, but 
it came back again and again, and at length it seemed 
to force me into enthusiasm. I dropped everything and 
went to work on the gyro-hat. 

The gyroscope is, as everyone knows, a top, and I 
might have called the hat I invented a top hat, except 
that any tall cylindrical silk or beaver hat is called a 
top hat, so I was forced to adopt the name of gyro-hat. 

A gyroscope is not an ordinary top. It is like a heavy 
fly wheel, revolving on an axis; and if it is spun, the 
speed of the revolutions maintains the axis in the 
perpendicular. A huge gyroscope is used to steady the 
channel steamers, which would otherwise stagger and 
reel. A gyroscope has just been adopted to the mono- 
rail cars, and so long as the gyroscope gyrates the 
monorail car cannot stagger or reel. If a proper gyro¬ 
scope was placed on the end of a knitting needle and 
gyrated at full speed, that knitting needle could be 
stood on end and it would not fall over. 

Therefore, if a gyroscope was placed in the top of a 
top hat, and the top hat firmly fastened to the head of 
a man, and the gyroscope set going, that man would 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


9 


remain perpendicular in spite of anything. He could 
not stagger. He could not reel. He could walk a line 
as straight as a crack. 

When I had completed this gyro-hat I showed it to 
my wife, and briefly explained what it was and what 
I meant to do with it. The small but wonderfully 
powerful motor and the gyroscope itself were all con¬ 
cealed inside the hat, and I explained to my wife that 
Walsingham Gribbs need but fasten the hat firmly on 
his head and he would never stagger again. At first 
my wife seemed doubtful, but as I went on she became 
enthusiastic. 

The only thing she disliked was the method of 
fastening the hat to the head, for, as it was quite neces¬ 
sary that the hat be very firmly fixed to the head, I had 
sewed ear tabs to the hat, and these I tied firmly under 
my chin. My wife said she feared it would require 
some time to persuade the public to take to silk hats with 
ear tabs, and that the sight of a man in a silk hat with 
ear tabs would be a sign that he was a staggerer. She 
wanted another method of holding the hat on the head. 

“Vacuum suction,” I said, for I am quick to catch 
an idea. A man has to be, in the hat business. “But,” 
I added, “where would you get the vacuum? A man 
cannot be expected to carry a can of vacuum, or what¬ 
ever he would need to carry vacuum in, around with 
him; especially the kind of man that would need the 
gyro-hat.” 



MAKE ITS OWN VACUUM. 

































































































AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


11 


“My dear,” said my wife, after a minute of thought, 
during which we both studied the gyro-hat, “I have 
it! Let the hat make its own vacuum. If the hat is 
lined with air-tight aluminum, and has a rubber sweat- 
band, and an expulsion valve, the gyroscope motor 
could pump the air out itself. It could create its own 
vacuum.” 

“Of course it could!” I exclaimed. “I could rig it 
up so that putting the hat on the head would start the 
gyroscope, and the gyroscope would pump a vacuum. 
All any staggerer would need to do would be to put on 
his hat, and the hat would do the rest. It would stay 
on his head and it would keep him evenly on his keel.” 
(Of course I would not use a nautical term like “keel” 
in my hat shop, but at home I allow myself some liber¬ 
ties of that sort.) 

I set to work at once to perfect the gyro-hat on the 
plan suggested by my wife and in a few days I was able 
to say it was a success. By this I mean it was a success 
in so far as the eye could judge by looking at the hat, 
and all that was needed was a practical trial. 

As the hat had been invented for Walsingham Gribbs 
more than for any other man, I proposed to my wife 
that Walsingham—we had spoken of him so often 
that we now mentioned him as Walsingham—should 
be the man to try it out. But my wife is better posted 
in social matters than I, and she said it would not do 
at all to attempt such a thing. 


12 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


In the first place, none of us knew Walsingham; and 
in all the other places, it would be insulting to suggest 
such a thing to him, and might ruin Anne’s chances. 
I then assured my wife that I did not mean to allow 
any ordinary intoxicated man to experiment with the 
only gyro-hat I possessed, and possibly wreck and ruin 
it. We had too much at stake for that. So, after con¬ 
siderable discussion, my wife and I decided upon what 
was, after all, the only rational course—I should try 
out the gyro-hat myself. 

I admit here that I am not much of a drinker. 
Although not so by principle, I am by action a teeto¬ 
taller. I consider that the highest good of a hat shop 
demands it. As a matter of fact I had never up to this 
time tasted intoxicating liquor, but it was evident to 
my wife and me that the time had arrived when the 
hat business demanded this sacrifice on my part. Evi¬ 
dently, if a gyro-hat is meant to keep a staggerer and 
reeler steady on his keel, the only test of the gyro-hat 
must be on the head of a man who, without the hat, 
could not help staggering and reeling—a thoroughly 
intoxicated man. 

We did not, of course, admit Anne into our little 
conspiracy, and we chose a restaurant where we were 
sure intoxicants would be sold. We proceeded to the 
restaurant about the dinner hour; and after studying 
the waiters carefully, I selected one that seemed likely 
to know something about intoxicants, and we seated 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-IIATS 


13 


ourselves at his table. I placed the gyro-hat carefully 
across my knees, first setting the starter, and beckoned 
the waiter to us. 

“My good fellow,” I said, when he had approached 
with his pencil and order card in hand, “I desire to 
become intoxicated this evening, and I presume you 
know something about intoxicating liquors.” 

“Yes, sir,” said the waiter. 

“Tell him, Henry,” said my wife, “that we also 
wish something to eat, but that as our principal object 
in coming here is to secure intoxicants, we wish him 
to be particular about them.” 

“You have heard what the lady said,” I told the 
waiter, “and you will be guided accordingly.” 

“Yes, sir,” said the waiter, politely. “Does the 
lady desire to become intoxicated also?” 

“Heavens, no!” exclaimed my wife. 

“Certainly not,” said the waiter. 

“Now,” I said to the waiter, “you doubtless have 
different kinds of intoxicating liquors here—some 
strong and some not so strong—and I do not desire to 
drink a great quantity to obtain the result I desire. 
What would you recommend to give the required 
reeling and staggering condition as quickly as 
possible ?” 

“Well, sir,” he said, “if you will let me advise, I 
would advise a certain brandy we have. Of that 
brandy, sir, a little goes a long way. I have seen it 


* 


I 



MORE DEFINITELY. 






















































































































































































AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 15 

work, sir, and I can assure you that a small quantity 
of that will make you stagger and reel to your heart’s 
content.” 

“Very well,” I said, “you may bring me some. I 
suppose a quart would be enough.” 

“I beg your pardon, sir,” he said, “but have you 
ever tried the brandy of which I speak?” 

“I have not,” I said. 

“Then, sir,” said the waiter apologetically, “unless 
you are a very heavy drinker I would not advise a 
quart of that brandy. A quart of that brandy, sir, 
would, if I may so speak, lay you out flat. You would 
not reel and stagger, sir. You would be paralyzed stiff, 
sir, dead to the world.” 

I thanked the waiter warmly. 

“You observe,” I said, “that I am not used to this 
sort of thing, and I appreciate the interest you are 
taking. I am inclined to leave the matter entirely in 
your hands. I may not know when I have had exactly 
the right quantity, but you, with your larger experience, 
will know, sir.” 

“Yes, sir. And I think the lady will know, sir,” said 
the waiter. 

I found the brandy most unpleasant to the taste, but 
certain symptoms assured me that the waiter had not 
belied its effectiveness. Long before the waiter was 
satisfied that I would stagger and reel, my long lost 
vocal prowess returned and I caroled gaily some songs 


16 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


that had been favorites of my youth. Many of these 
were affectionate songs, and when I sang them I had 
a great longing to hold my wife’s hand, and did so; but 
as she would not let me kiss her, I felt the need of kissing 
the waiter. Here again I was repulsed, but it did not 
make me angry. I merely slid down into my chair and 
waved my hand at him coquettishly. 

“If you please, sir,” said the waiter, when I had 
finished another burst of song, “I think you are pretty 
ripe, now. If you would just get up and walk a few 
steps I can tell more definitely.” 

My wife smiled at me reassuringly and nodded to me 
that what the waiter proposed had her full sanction; 
but even so, I was filled with a fear that we were about 
to be parted forever, and for a few minutes I clung to 
her neck, weeping bitter tears. I then tore myself 
away, and I did indeed stagger and reel. I believe I 
knocked over two small tables and ended by seating 
myself in the lap of a young man who was dining alone. 
He accepted my apology before I had spoken more 
than fifteen minutes of it, and then he aided the waiter 
in steering me back to my table. 

Whatever may have been my past opinion of Wal- 
singham Gribbs—for it was he—I loved him most 
dearly at that moment, and in my incoherent manner 
I tried to tell him so. I think he understood. At any 
rate, he spoke to my wife like a true gentleman. 

“Madame,” he said, “I can sincerely sympathize 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


17 


with your husband, and if you will allow me, I will 
gladly help you assist him to a cab. I beg you not to 
be frightened by his condition. I myself am subject 
to the same trouble, and although he may seem drunk 

9 9 

“Seem drunk!” exclaimed my wife. “Seem drunk! 
I beg you to know that my husband is as drunk as a 
man can become without being senseless. Either that, 
or we have been defrauded by this waiter!” 

Walsingham Gribbs looked at my wife, and then smiled. 

“Very well,” he said, “if what you wanted was to 
have him drunk, I’ll admit that he is about the drunkest 
man I have ever seen. I only spoke as I did in order 
that I might spare your feelings, for most wives object 
to seeing their husbands stagger and reel. I myself 
stagger and reel continually, and I have never tasted 
intoxicating liquor in my life, but I can share the feelings 
of one who staggers and reels, or who has a relative 
that staggers and reels.” 

At this my wife said: 

“Are you not Walsingham Gribbs P If you are I am 
delighted to have met you, even in this unconventional 
manner, for what brought us here will interest you.” 

She then told him of the gyro-hat I had invented, and 
explained just why I had come to this place and had 
swallowed the strong brandy. I took no part in this 
conversation, but Walsingham gladly agreed to accom¬ 
pany us, and he put my gyro-hat on my head. 



WHEN WALSINGHAM RE¬ 
LEASED MY HAND, I SLOWLY 
SWUNG UPRIGHT AGAIN 
ON THE PICKETS.” 





































































AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


19 


The result was indeed marvelous. Instantly the 
vacuum pump began to work and the gyroscope to 
revolve. My head, which had been lying on one side, 
straightened up. The rubber sweat band gripped my 
head tightly with a slight pulling sensation. Without 
assistance I arose from my chair and stood erect. My 
brain was still confused, but I walked as straight 
as a string direct to the door of the restaurant, and 
stood holding it open while my wife and Walsingham 
passed out. 

The gyroscope was revolving at the rate of three 
thousand revolutions a minute, and the slight humming 
was hardly noticeable. I did not stagger and I did not 
reel. When I reached Gramercy Park I was full of glee. 
I had been walking on the edge of the curb, but I now 
desired to climb atop of the iron fence that surrounds 
the park, and walk on the points of the pickets. 

My wife and Walsingham tried to dissuade me, but 
I climbed to the top of the fence. I not only walked on 
the points of the pickets easily, but I was able to place 
the end of one toe on the point of one picket, and thus 
balanced wave the other leg in the air. My wife and 
Walsingham Gribbs coaxed me to come down to the 
level of the walk, but as I saw no reason to do so, I 
flatly refused, and at last Walsingham reached up and 
took me by the hand and pulled me. 

Ordinarily a man that had imbibed a quantity of 
brandy would have fallen to the street if pulled by one 

























AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


21 


hand while standing on the top of a row of pickets, but 
I did not. When Walsingham pulled my hand I inclined 
gently toward him until I was at right angles to the 
picket fence, with my feet still on top of the pickets; 
and when he released my hand I slowly swung upright 
again, without any effort whatever on my part. I got 
down off that fence when I was ready, and not before. 

There could be no doubt whatever that I was far 
more intoxicated than Walsingham Gribbs, and all the 
way home I gave vent to tremendous bursts of laughter 
over the idea that while Walsingham thought he was 
seeing me safely home I walked as straight and true as 
a general, and he staggered and reeled except when he 
clung closely to my arm. 

Many persons stopped and looked at us, and I cannot 
wonder at it. For Walsingham is a young man of 
most dignified countenance, and it must have seemed 
strange to see a young man of such sober mien reeling 
drunkenly, while a dignified and steadily walking hatter 
laughed and shouted drunkenly. It was as if the two of 
us had been able to afford but one spree, and had 
divided it in that way, he taking the stagger and I 
taking the boisterousness. 

My wife was much touched by the kind attentions of 
Walsingham, and when we reached home she invited 
him in, and while I found a little harmless amusement 
in walking up the stair banisters and sliding down them 
standing on my feet, which I was enabled to do because 


22 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


of the steadying effect of the gyro-hat, she took Wal- 
singham into the parlor and introduced him to Anne 
formally. 

My poor daughter was quite overcome with embar¬ 
rassment and pleasure, but when Walsingham was 
sitting he showed no evidence of his stagger and reel 
whatever, and they managed to become quite well 
acquainted while my wife was assisting me to bed. 

llnfortunately I had neglected to arrange any method 
for letting the vacuum out of the gyro-hat, and although 
my wife tugged and pulled at the hat, the suction held 
it fast to my head and it refused to come off unless my 
scalp came with it. My wife decided that I must sleep 
in the hat, since I was in no condition of mind to do 
anything about it myself. 

I was dying for sleep, and my wife tumbled me into 
bed and pulled the sheet over me, and that same instant 
I fell into a heavy slumber, but the moment my wife 
released her grasp on me I began arising to my feet, 
irresistibly drawn to the perpendicular by the action of 
the gyro-hat. I continued to arise until I was standing 
upright. I can only liken the manner in which I arose 
to the way a man might raise a stiff arm slowly until 
it pointed straight upward. 

My wife immediately pushed me down onto the 
pillow again, but it was unavailing. Again the gyro-hat 
drew me to a standing position, and my wife was forced 
to let me continue my night’s rest in that position. 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


23 


The next morning I did not feel very well, but I 
never saw my wife in better spirits. She told me she 
was sure Walsingham had taken a great fancy to Anne, 
for he had asked permission to call again that evening, 
and my wife said that in her opinion it would be well 
to take up the matter of the marriage with Walsingham 
at once, before it went any further. If he meant busi¬ 
ness he would be glad to wear the hat and be rid of his 
stagger and reel; and if he meant nothing it would be 
a good thing to know it, and the sooner we were rid of 
him the better. I agreed with her fully, but I spent 
the day perfecting the vacuum outlet on the hat. 

I must admit that Walsingham seemed somewhat 
surprised when I made the suggestion to him that 
evening. For a few minutes he did not seem to know 
what to say. Perhaps it was a little overcoming to have 
the parents of Anne suggest the idea of a marriage in 
this offhand manner and at the same time propose the 
wearing of a gyro-hat; but Walsingham was a gentle¬ 
man, and when he glanced up, after his first surprise, 
and saw Anne gazing at him appealingly, with her hands 
clasped, I could see that love had won. But instead of 
acquiescing immediately, Walsingham Gribbs took one 
of Anne’s hands in his, and after patting it, spoke 
directly to me. 

“Sir,” he said, “I cannot but appreciate the delicate 
manner in which you have handled this matter, but if 
I am only too glad to find that there is a hat that will 


24 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


correct my unfortunate staggering and reeling, and if 
I am glad to accept your offer of that hat, I feel it due 
to myself to assure you that liquor has nothing whatever 
to do with my staggering and reeling. I am the victim 
of an unfortunate experience of my youthful days. 

“My father was a man of many ideas, and always 
trying to make the world better. He had a neighbor 
that had a mule. It was a mouse-colored mule and 
very stubborn, and it used to wring my father’s heart 
to see the neighbor belabor that mule with a heavy whip, 
trying to make the mule proceed in a direction in which 
it did not wish to go. The mule was quite willing to go 
toward the barn, where the feed was kept; but it often 
refused to go in the opposite direction, although it 
would go well enough if it once started. 

“My father, therefore, conceived the idea of what 
he called the Gribbs Mule Reverser. This was a 
circular platform large enough to hold a mule and his 
loaded wagon, and beneath the platform was a motor 
capable of revolving the platform. All that was 
necessary was to place the mule and the wagon on the 
platform and start the mule in the direction of home, 
and then suddenly turn the platform in the direction 
the mule was desired to go, and the mule would pro¬ 
ceed, unwittingly in that direction.” 

“A very excellent idea,” I said. 

“Except that it would not work in the least,” said 
Walsingham. “In the first place, it was necessary to 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


25 


dig a pit five feet square beneath the revolving platform 
to contain the motor, and this was not always conve¬ 
nient. In the second place, the platform and motor 
would hardly ever happen to be where the mule balked, 
and it would have been a great deal easier to load the 
mule on a wagon than to load the platform and motor 
on three wagons. And in the third place, if the mule 
would not start homeward, neither would it start onto 
the platform of the Mule Reverser. 

“So, after my father had tried the platform in our 
back yard, with a mule on it, and the revolutions had 
thrown the mule up against the side of the barn, break¬ 
ing both the mule and the barn, he decided that other 
things were better to invent and abandoned the plat¬ 
form. I and the lads of the neighborhood found this 
a good place to play, and one day I was standing exactly 
in the center of the platform when one of the boys 
happened to start the motor. I had sense enough to 
remain exactly in the center of the platform, or I would 
have been thrown off, and possibly killed, for the plat¬ 
form was revolving at the rate of eight thousand revo¬ 
lutions a minute. The motor had power to revolve the 
platform slowly when loaded with a mule and loaded 
wagon, so it was capable of immense speed with only 
a small boy on it. 

“When my companions saw what they had done,” 
continued Walsingham, “they all ran away, and for 
four hours I remained in the center of that platform, 


26 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


being revolved at an enormous speed, and when my 
father came home and stopped the platform I staggered 
and reeled and fell in a heap at his feet. That is how I 
acquired my unfortunate stagger and unpleasant reel, 
and I have only told you this that you may have no 
unjust suspicions.” 

“But why,” asked my wife, who had been greatly 
interested by Walsingham’s story, “do you not revolve 
in the opposite direction, and ‘unwind 5 yourself, as we 
used to say ? ” 

“Madame,” said Walsingham, “I have. Every 
night, for one hour before I go to bed I revolve, but it 
requires an immense number of revolutions to over¬ 
come such a spin as I had in my youth . 55 He waited a 
moment and then said: “But I am now ready to try 
the gyro-hat . 55 

I looked out of the window, and hesitated. A thin 
rain was falling, and was freezing as it fell, and I hated 
to have a good, silk, gyro-hat go out into such weather; 
but as a leading hatter I felt that it would never do for 
me to seem small and picayunish in regard to hats. 
I remembered that a really good silk hat should not be 
ruined by a few drops of water; and I saw that if any¬ 
thing could convince Anne and Walsingham that the 
gyro-hat held their happiness, it would be a trial on 
such slippery walks as the evening had provided. 

So I brought down the hat and pressed it on Walsing¬ 
ham’s head. Instantly the vacuum creator began to 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


27 


work and the hat clung fast to his head. He arose to 
his feet and walked across the parlor in a perfectly 
steady manner, and out into the hall. I held open the 
front door and he stepped out. 

Walsingham crossed the porch with as steady a tread 
as ever any man crossed the porch of a high-class hatter, 
but when he reached the top step his foot struck the ice 
and he slipped. He did not stagger nor reel. If he 
fell, he fell steadily. I can best liken his fall to the 
action of a limber reed when the wind strikes it. He 
inclined slowly, with his feet still on the top step, and 
continued to incline until his head touched the walk 
below with considerable violence, and then his feet 
slipped down the edges of the steps until they rested 
on the walk. 

I never saw a more graceful fall, and I was about to 
congratulate Walsingham, when he began to incline 
toward the perpendicular again, in the same slow man¬ 
ner. But this was not the reason I held my words. 
The reason was that the gyro-hat and Walsingham were 
behaving in a most unaccountable manner. Walsing¬ 
ham was revolving. 

I discovered later that the fall had jammed the 
gyroscope on the pivot so that the gyroscope could not 
revolve without revolving the wdiole hat, and as the hat 
was firmly suctioned to Walsingham, the hat could 
not revolve without revolving Walsingham. For an 
instant Walsingham revolved away from us down the 



I PROPOSE, MY DEAR,’ I SAID, ‘TO LET HIM SPIN UNTIL HE IS PERMANENTLY RECOVERED 
OR BECOME TOO PERMANENTLY DIZZY FOR ANY USE. 1 ” 












































































































































AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


29 


walk, and Anne gave a great cry; but almost at that 
moment Walsingham regained the upright and began 
to revolve rapidly. The icy walk offered no purchase 
for his feet, and this was indeed lucky; for if it had, 
his head would have continued to revolve none the less, 
and the effect would have been fatal. 

I estimated that Walsingham was revolving at a rate 
of perhaps fifteen hundred revolutions a minute, and it 
was some minutes before my wife was able so far to 
recover from the shock of seeing her prospective son- 
in-law whirl thus as to ask me to stop him. My first 
impulse was to do so, but my long training as a hatter 
had made me a careful, thoughtful man, and I gently 
pushed my wife back. 

‘‘My dear/’ I said, “let us pause and consider this 
case. Here we have Walsingham revolving rapidly. 
He is revolving in one of the only two directions in 
which he can revolve—the direction in which he revolved 
on the Mule Reverser, or the opposite direction. If it 
is the opposite direction all is well, for he will be unwound 
in a few hours, if his neck is not wrung in the mean¬ 
time. If it is in the same direction it is no use to stop 
him now, for by this time he will be in such a condition 
of reeling and staggering that we would not have him as 
a son-in-law on any terms. I propose, therefore, to 
let him spin here for a few hours, when he will have 
had a full recovery or be permanently too dizzy for 
any use.” 


30 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


My wife, and Anne too, saw the wisdom of this course, 
and as it was very miserable weather outside we all 
withdrew to my parlor, from the window of which we 
could watch Walsingham revolve. Occasionally, when 
he seemed about to revolve off the walk, I went out and 
pushed him on again. 

I figured that by six o’clock in the morning he would 
be sufficiently revolved—provided he was revolving in 
the right direction—and at midnight I sent my wife 
and Anne to bed. I fear Anne slept but little that 
night, for she must have had a lover’s natural anxiety 
as to how all was to turn out. 

At six in the morning I called Anne and my wife, and 
we went into the yard to stop Walsingham, and it was 
not until I had carefully walked down the porch steps 
that it came to me that I had no way of stopping him 
whatever. To add to my dismay I knew that when 
the sun arose the thin ice would melt, and as Walsing- 
ham’s feet could no longer slip easily, he would in all 
probability be wrenched in two, a most unsatisfactory 
condition for a son-in-law. 

But while I was standing in dismay love found a way, 
as love always will, and Anne rushed to the cellar and 
brought out the stepladder and the ice pick. Placing 
the stepladder close to Walsingham she climbed it, and 
holding the point of the ice pick at the exact center of 
the top of the hat she pushed down. In a moment a 
sizzing noise told us that she had bored a hole in the 


AN EXPERIMENT IN GYRO-HATS 


31 


hat, letting the vacuum escape, and the hat flew from 
Walsingham’s head. 

Slower and slower he revolved, until he stood quite 
still, and then, without a reel or a stagger he walked up 
to me and grasped my hand, while tears told me the 
thanks he could not utter. He had revolved in the 
right direction! He was cured! 


























































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